Monday Morning Musing: When You Get to be My Age....

(Dear reader....this platform has been a bit glitchy and so this birthday post is sent your way a day late. Apologies!)

Today is my birthday. At some point in time, society would have deemed this was retirement age. Time to trade in the briefcase for a golf bag (I am definitely not a golfer), or some other symbol of being finished with my career.

The thing is, I feel as though I've just gotten started.

So, I'm here for the forseeable future, both in my vocation and just, you know, "here" in the bigger sense of the word.

I've been sitting with what it means to be as old as I am, and I suppose the truest thing I can say is that I'm darn lucky. Lucky to still be able to learn and imagine and dream. Lucky to be close in relationship and presence to my three amazing children, who are the best thing I've ever done. Lucky with good health, physical and mental. Lucky with a Beloved who is love and adventure and compassion walking around on this earth with his hand in mine.

Here are some other thoughts for this day:

I don't know when I stopped thinking that I could do "anything I wanted to do" vocationally, but I think I have at least acknowledged that the field has narrowed. Medical school seems out of the question, while law school still somehow seems attainable. I can probably also cross off politician, horseback rider, and chef while leaving room for innkeeper, therapist, and party planner. The truth is, I love what I do. Ultimately, what I hope I do is remind people of how wildly they are loved by God. Every day. No matter what. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than that. But it's good to have options.

Sometimes I worry that I couldn't survive something really awful and then I realize that I've come through a whole lot of really terrible stuff and I'm still standing. Still, you know, "here".

I learned a lot about myself through those awful seasons and I learned a lot about other people, too. I learned that sometimes, the people we think we can count on in life to be there for us won't be. And that will never feel better. And I learned that on the other side of the coin, there are always people in our corner. People we don't expect, but there they are....sending notes and leaving little gifts and cooking us dinner. There they are....the old farmers with their sun etched faces, holding their hats in one hand and their sweet wives hands in the other while they stand in the 90 degree heat at your seminary to watch you graduate after you were their student pretend-pastor for a whole year. Only it wasn't pretend at all. That was a lot of Jesus love and that's what makes things real.

I've learned that I prefer a small, old house to a big new one. There's something cozy and comforting and real about homes that have held a lot of life in them, including mine.

I've learned that it's okay to love big and it's okay to hold some people at a distance. For some people that distance means safety. For some people that distance means it's the only way I know what they are really up to. Up close they are blurry and hard to see in one glance. My therapist once told me I could consider my true self, my realest me, to be like a house (btw, I'm a yellow, Victorian). I could have a porch if I want (yes please) and some steps from the porch to the yard and as much yard as I needed to keep a good boundary. Then I could have a fence with a gate if I wanted (also yes). The only people that get to come inside my front door are the people I choose to allow to get that close. Everyone else can assume a position of my choosing. In the yard, on the other side of the gate, on the porch, on the steps. I get to decide. And I can move them around, depending on....well whatever I want. This little exercise has saved me. Thanks good and long time therapist.

I've learned that good friends are just about all we need whether the day is upright or upside down. Being able to call and talk about it or talk about anything but it does a world of good.

I've learned that it's important to stand up for what is right. And it's not that hard. I'm so sad and dismayed and annoyed that people in this world can pretend that wrong is right. But it's always been this way. For a while we went around saying things like racism isn't that bad and women shouldn't vote because....well, I don't know what kind of bs was said about that. And then after we'd awkwardly hauled that crazy around we started to change our collective minds and the arc bent toward justice again. Until it didn't/doesn't and people start redistricting and fiddling with voting rights and marriage equality and who has the say over women's bodies and then we have to fight the fight all over again. We have to stand up for what's right. All the time.

I've learned that art and nature and music and babies and old people are heartbreakingly beautiful. I mean, most art and practically all babies. I've learned that learning to play an instrument should teach us joy first and then discipline. We can thank the trees for shade and the flowers for their glory. We can notice the wisdom that our elders bring into a room and then, BAM, notice how gorgeous they are....with all of that wisdom lining their faces.

I still have a whole lot to learn. And unlearn. But on this birthday, I'm remembering that being grateful is a gift. I'm grateful for you, dear one. Thanks for being in the world with all your amazingness. God loves you and so do I.

One year old me!