Monday Morning Musing: 15 Days

Fifteen days from today we will determine as a nation who we are. Whether we are better than our ugliest impulses toward racism and homophobia and sexism. Whether we are going to step backward as an ongoing and massively disappointing response to the strides that were made from 2008-2016. While I obviously have opinions around this, I wasn't aware of their emotional grip until yesterday. My Beloved and I went to see Hillary Clinton speak as a part of her latest book tour. The excitement among the sold out crowd was high as we waited patiently to go through security screenings. Even the ill-informed but not unexpected protesters didn't dampen our spirits (pro-tip: know your facts before you take up a microphone in front of people). When Secretary Clinton came onto the stage, the crowd rose as one in a deafening ovation and I....I burst into tears. I'm not generally a crier, and this is something I should probably explore someday. Tears used to come easily but, from what I can tell, I have, in the past several years, stopped crying as some sort of defense mechanism. Now, I usually only cry when I'm angry. So, the tears that burst forth yesterday were a surprise.

But as Secretary Clinton spoke, I realized three things:

1) I needed to hear someone speak cogent, thoughtful, well informed hope into the next two weeks. If anyone is entitled to say to us "Well, who knows what will happen?" it would be HER. But that's not what she said. When asked about the election, she gave substantive reason for optimism, including a glimpse into the un-reported behind the scenes, on the ground Harris campaign.

2) I was reminded that we, as a nation, were willing to elect basically the most unqualified person possible over the arguably most qualified person possible. Which led me to ....

3) After watching her dreams of serving the people of the United States as president die an ugly death, HRC didn't just stop this work. Because it wasn't about the office. It was about the work. It was about serving others so that we will have a more just and free global society. She could have just retreated to grandparenting (which is definitely the best gig around) but she's out there making a difference for the common good. She and Bill (who I have more complicated feelings about) are on the ground in swing states. She is guiding the lawmakers in the country out of the vast experience of the past and a rigorous hope for the future. She could, off the cuff, cite case law in detail. Brilliant. She is writing books and creating podcasts and giving speeches that inspire. She is teaching and consulting about the most complicated issues of our time.

I needed this example of a person who did not just give up, but who re-created her path forward while staying true to her convictions, her values, and her desire to serve others.

I take all of these emotions and all of these realities, turn them slightly, and remember that twenty four years ago today I became aware of a new, difficulty, and unwelcome reality in my own life. I was determined that it would not prevail against the life I had built and envisioned. But, almost four years later I would walk away feeling defeated by it. When I think of it, I am aware that without this deeply unwanted turn, I would not have worked and scraped and lucked my way into this present reality, which is a gift I could not have imagined on that October Saturday twenty four years ago.

Maybe those tears yesterday were a surprising reminder that no matter what, when things end or dreams die or would be dictators are somehow elected, a vision of something beautiful and unimagined and life giving is still available beyond this present hard thing.

(post-script: Please vote early if you can. Please vote your values. Please encourage others to vote and to make a plan for that voting if it might be challenging because of one circumstance or another. And don't lose hope.)